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I Watched the NBA Last Night: Nov. 29

A Tale of Two Buzzer Beaters

First you have the Raptors:

Then you have the Cavaliers:

For Toronto, it came from Cory Joseph, which is both interesting and surprising. In Cleveland it was LeBron James, which is less interesting and not surprising at all. But how they both happened is worth digging in to.

You get the feeling that LeBron easily could have taken Joe Johnson to the hoop himself, that the screen from Tristan Thompson wasn’t really necessary. It made it too easy, really. It also helps that no one else for the Nets wanted to defend the play. No one even bothered to collapse on the driving King on a pick and roll. Would it have been any different if he did it himself?

The Cavs struggled all game doing simple basketball things against a terrible Nets team. But none of that matters in the final two minutes if you have LeBron. Even receiving the weakest of screens was more than enough space for the game-winner. He even had the awareness to defend the in-bounds play while the rest of his teammates were celebrating. As always, it helps to have the best player in the world.

Toronto does not have that, or even a clear team leader. It seemed in the preseason that Kyle Lowry was assuming that role, but he has yet to break away like that. DeMar DeRozan, Jonas Valanciunas, and DeMarre Carroll all have a claim to the title of floor captain as well, and it was Derozan who got the ball off the inbounds last night.

The good thing about the committee of almost-stars in Toronto is that nobody feels a need to take the last shot but they’ve still shown they’re capable of doing so. This brought help defenders onto DeRozan when he got near the paint leaving Joseph, in as part of a late-game shooting lineup, wipe open in the corner. Good strategy, good play, good teamwork. When you don’t have a generational superstar that’s what you need to do. The Raptors seem to be figuring that out.

The Spurs with a Lead

I got to the Atlanta/San Antonio game late, sometime in the third quarter while the Spurs were alread up 20. The only starter in the game was Tim Duncan, who was busy posting a NetRating of between 38 and 50, depending on what site you use. I saw him grab at least 38 rebounds (probably closer to seven) in the first four minutes I watched. They were increasing their lead, despite the fact he was joined on the floor by Patty Mills, Kyle Anderson, Manu Ginobli, and Boris Diaw.

And this strange lineup didn’t miss a beat and matched up well against the small-ball Atlanta lineup. Kawhi Leonard replaced Duncan in the lineup for a few minutes and that lineup did even better. This team is ridiculous and beautiful. Watch out for Kyle Anderson, too. He could play a big part in the Spurs future.

Sacramento vs. Golden State

I thought this California matchup could have some promise, mainly because you have no idea what the Kings are capable of night to night. They just didn’t have it this time. I stopped watching fairly quickly because it was so boringly non-competitive. The Warriors are pretty good at basketball.

LeBron James is Stuck

I wrote a few months ago that LeBron James should have been the MVP, and I stand by all of that. He’s shown he has the power to get the people around him that he wants. But that’s now proving to be a more complicated matter than I realized then.

LeBron can’t ever leave Cleveland now. His departure in 2010 emotionally destroyed the city and professionally destroyed the Cavaliers. His return, in his words, was all about “northeast Ohio” and “coming home.” Think about how hard he had to work to overcome his image problem after The Decision, now imagine him trying to win back the public after bailing on the Cavs once again <after> he came back to save them. He can’t go through that again.

Which is what makes the Tristan Thompson contract situation so interesting to me. He and LeBron share an agent in Rich Paul, which makes it reasonable to assume that LeBron would be upset if the front office spurned his teammate and agent on a new maximum contract. It would also be reasonable to assume that LeBron has the sway to get his team to pony up and give Thompson the cash he wants.

But how many power moves can LeBron make before his team, or the public, grows tired of it?

The Cavaliers have already shelled out a potential $1.7 billion in contracts this summer.*

*That is not actually true:

Matthew Dellavedova: 1 year, $1.5 million

LeBron James: 2 years, $46 million

Richard Jefferson: 1 year, $1.5 million

James Jones: 1 year, $1.5 million

Kevin Love: 5 years, $113 million

Iman Shumpert: 4 years, $40 million

JR Smith: 2 years, $10 million

Mo Williams: 2 years, $2.4 million

So they’ve already around $215 million on new contracts for eight players, are under contract for at least $30 million next season between Kyrie Irving, Timofey Mozgov and Anderson Varejao, and LeBron still wants the team to toss out another roughly $20 million per year for Thompson.

They’re already neck deep in the luxury tax, and the Thompson contract would send the tax hike higher than an Irving-James alley-oop.

The obvious reason that the Cavs should do this is that they’re in the interest of keeping LeBron happy. When LeBron isn’t happy, he’s liable to shatter your heart and cast off your franchise into a barren wasteland. That track record is there.

But he really can’t do that again. He could barely handle that first season in Miami, the pressure and scrutiny messed with him too much. Does he really want to put himself in the stocks for the public to call him a traitor/coward/heartless bastard, the metaphorical tomatoes and heads of lettuce in modern times, at him once again? My guess is no.

Which is why I think the Cavaliers have more power here than people think. Thompson essentially wants a max contract; the problem is that he hasn’t really earned it. With the salary cap increase next season, he’ll most likely get that money from somebody. But I’m sure he’d much rather get it from a championship-caliber team, especially one with LeBron on it.

That, and his skillset is perfect in Cleveland. He doesn’t have to do a lot except suck in rebounds (by far his best function), run a decent pick and roll when needed and hold his own on defense. And they need him for those things badly. But is it max contract badly? LeBron seems to think so.

Going deep in the luxury tax would keep the Cavs together, but it would also force them to stay together. You don’t get flexibility when you’re far over the cap and paying dearly for it. Does LeBron really want these specific guys badly enough to stick with them for multiple years? He better. Because if he gets his way, they’ll be there for good, and if it doesn’t work as well as planned he’ll have no one to complain to but himself.

LeBron James and the Team-Building Exercise

Friday, June 5: Oakland, California

It is the day after Game 1 of the NBA Finals. The Cleveland Cavaliers forced the Golden State Warriors to overtime, where they were rewarded with losing both the game and their starting point guard, Kyrie Irving, for the rest of the series. With all-star power forward Kevin Love already out as well, coach David Blatt is desperate. The lineups he’ll have to play have little previous playing time, barely any chemistry. The team could look like LeBron James playing with the NBA stars who got their skills stolen in Space Jam. Only these guys were never stars. Perhaps, with the right push, they could be passable as NBA players. That starts with teamwork. Blatt is a rookie head coach, he’s not totally sure what to do about this, but he has an idea.

BLATT

Alright, guys. I think we need a team building exercise. Kevin and Kyrie are gone. Like a family after the dad walks out, we’re just gonna have to figure this out together.

LEBRON

Do you think that’s funny?

BLATT

Oh right, sorry. I forgot you didn’t have a dad growing up.

Things like this happened a lot during the season. Blatt is just absolutely incompetent at talking to people. LeBron is staring daggers that would have wilted any other man to the ground, but Blatt cannot read this at all. He stares at his star blankly for at least ten seconds before continuing.

BLATT

This might be a little unorthodox, but I bought a Lego set and I want you guys to put it together as a team.

The entire team, seated around him in an ungodly fancy hotel conference room, decked out in practice gear, stares blankly for at least another ten seconds.

JAMES JONES, finally

…I thought this was going to be a walkthrough?

LEBRON, still staring daggers

Yeah.

BLATT

Well, I mean I think we pretty much know what the offense is now, right? I mean, we have LeBron here, and, uhhhh I think he’ll pretty much take care of all that.

JR Smith hadn’t really been paying attention, but violently perks up at this point.

SMITH

Wait, are we not going to get the ball?

IMAN SHUMPERT, in a loud whisper

Just shut up dude!

BLATT

Well, if Bron passes it to you, and you’re open, I’d… yeah, I’d go ahead and shoot it. That sounds good.

SMITH, already losing interest again

Alright, cool…

MATTHEW DELLAVEDOVA, in a horrible, disgusting, this-can’t-be-his-real-voice Australian accent, excitedly

What were you saying about Legos, coach?

BLATT

Right. Uhhh, put them together, yeah? That’s what you do with Legos.

TIMOFEY MOZGOV, so freaking Russian it almost hurts

What is Legos? We no haf Legos in Russia.

He pronounces “Legos” with a hard “s” at the end. It sounds like nails scratching a chalkboard has been prominently used as an instrument in an Iggy Azalea song. Everyone winces.

BLATT

Okay, I guess, someone explain to Mozzy what Legos are.

Blatt chuckles at calling Mozgov “Mozzy,” as he has every single time he’s done it since trading for him mid-season. He even did it on the call GM David Griffin made to make the trade, picking up the phone and saying “Thanks for giving us Mozzy.” He was nearly fired that day. It’s clear that every player hates this with all their heart also, except Mozgov himself, who still doesn’t get it.

DELLAVEDOVA

I’ll do it, Coach!

TRISTAN THOMPSON

Jesus Christ, kid.

DELLAVEDOVA

What?

BLATT, not noticing those two still talking

Alright, so these Legos are pretty cool. They’re “Batman” it says, which looks like superhero stuff, so that ought to be fun for everyone. I checked the safety label and you guys are all above five years old so let’s get this started! I guess I want you guys to treat this like it’s a court so I’m gonna head off to Subway, and I think I’ll leave LeBron in charge on this one, okay? Be back in a couple hours or so with my Blatt Forest Ham sandwich.

He chuckles to himself the entire long walk out of the conference room. No one says a word while he leaves. LeBron stares at him with more hatred than Charles Barkley at an analytics convention. Shawn Marion hasn’t looked up from his phone since he first sat down.

LEBRON

Holy hell let’s just do this so we can get some rest before what I’m praying to God will be a real practice tonight.

SMITH

Yeah, we should have an easier time with this than the barber has with your hairline, right Bron?

JR is impressed with his joke, while others laugh nervously, wondering how LeBron will take it. Luckily for them, he pretends not to hear. He could kill them all in this room while barely breaking a sweat. He knows this, and the thought of it motivates him when he needs energy to close out a game. He can’t kill them, because he needs at least four teammates to win games. But he could; he could snap them in half like raw spaghetti and no one would really blame him. He flashes a faint smile as he picks up the little instruction book in the Lego box.

LEBRON

Okay so looks like the first step-

DELLAVEDOVA, snatching the paper from his hand

Gimme gimme gimme gimme! …Oh there’s a Batmobile in here I want to do that give me those pieces I’ll do it really well I’ll try my best I swear.

LEBRON

Okay dude chill- damn, have fun. Just make it look nicer than your ugly ass neck beard okay?

Delly is hurt by this. Some kind of emotion is trying to be expressed by his face, and he’s trying his best to stop it. The face looks like a combination of watching someone die and dropping a deuce. LeBron sees this, and doesn’t care. The kid needs to learn.

LEBRON

Someone can help him if they want. If not, there’s an Arkham Asylum to put together for the rest of you. I’m doing this Batcave one because it’s the only cool part of this stupid thing. Now just do your jobs and I’ll do mine. I know it’s hard, but try your best to stay out of my way.

LeBron puts his head down and gets to work. He is a champion, and he will be a champion at everything in his life. No matter how stupid and pointless and dumb it is. He works carefully, but not slowly. The Batcave itself is 100 pieces and the instructions are vague and in outrageously tiny print.

About halfway through, Brandan Haywood and Kendrick Perkins wordlessly sit cross-legged next to LeBron and start putting pieces on the Batcave. Aging veterans both, they don’t get to contribute on the court anymore. They decide this is their last chance to make an impact. Still silent, the three old pros finish their project. It’s beautiful. It looks exactly like it does on the box. There’s not a piece missing. Not even a child Lego prodigy could top this.

LEBRON, thinking while admiring his work

Maybe this series won’t be so sad bad after all. I mean, if we work so well together here, I don’t think there’s any reason the team can’t-

He stops. He has forgotten about the rest of his teammates. He hasn’t looked at them in…how long? Ten minutes? Fifteen? Thirty? He’s optimistic though. These Legos aren’t unmanageable. Maybe he should trust in those guys more.

A smile cracks his face as he tilts his (yes, balding) head upwards. The scene unfolding in front of him hits in like a full court pass to the face. This is madness. This is chaos.

JR Smith is shooting individual Legos into the plastic bag they came in with alarming inaccuracy.

Dellevedova’s Batmobile looks nothing like it’s supposed to but somehow still works. LeBron watches this with curiosity and a strange pride, before seeing the vehicle spectacularly fall apart. Dallevavoda doesn’t look up. He’s too shellshocked. Everything was going so well. Now nothing works.

DELEVEDOVA, thinking through his bewilderment

Luckily this isn’t a metaphor for anything.

Thompson is sitting by the plastic bag, diligently rebounding JR’s misses and passing them back. Almost like a robot who has been built for this exact task, he does this without talking, and probably without thinking. This is all he knows, all he will ever know.

Marion still hasn’t looked up from his phone. He is presumably trying to close the deal on his retirement home.

Miller and Jones are straight up missing. LeBron knows they’re both likely to disappear at crucial moments, however. This doesn’t concern him much.

Joe Harris putting Legos in Iman’s flattop, seeing how many he can stack upon those glorious vertical curls without revealing his game. It is a pointless game, however. Shumpert is sitting against a chair, holding the instructions in his lap. Everyone had been too distracted to notice the heavy breathing and occasional snore coming from his mouth. He had nothing to contribute, anyway.

LeBron hadn’t expected this, but he had feared it, somewhere pushed back in the recesses of his brain. He would have his work cut out for him over these next 3-6 games. It could be done, but it would take more effort than he has ever had to give. Normally he makes this game look easy. This would be hard. This would be walking through marshland, knee-deep in mud. This would…wait. Mozgov isn’t here. Goddammit. We need a big man. Shit, why does he always do this? Sh-

LeBron has turned around to look. In the far corner, huddled over the trash can, is the big Russian. Flames are emerging from the bucket. In his hands are pieces of the instructions to build the Arkham Asylum, being tossed in the fire one by one like the clothes of a murder victim, something he soon could be himself. If LeBron wanted it to happen. But he doesn’t, not yet at least.

LeBron knows he has it rough. But this is what he chose. He’ll have to find a different way to accomplish this task. It’s not going to be pretty, he realizes as he surveys the room around him, because this…this is ugly.

This is madness. This is chaos. This is the 2015 Cleveland Cavaliers.

NBA Finals Recap

MVP

Andre Iguodala deserved it. Not as much as Lebron, and arguably no more than Steph Curry, but don’t act like this wasn’t earned. Much like Kawhi Leonard last Finals, he slowed down LeBron James, he made him work and tired him out. He’s the main reason LBJ only had the energy to win two games all by himself instead of four. That was the difference in the series. He also anchored the second unit for the Warriors, making it nearly as dangerous as the starting five. They were basically a wrestling tag team duo going up against a guy going solo. That guy can only last so long.

Even though that guy did, in fact, deserve the Finals MVP. He did everything, damn near averaging a triple double, leading all players in points, rebounds, and assists. It looked like he was trying to play with one of those Puppy Bowl teams. The Cavs were adorably feisty, but they clearly weren’t sure what they were doing there. All except LeBron.

The MVP may have been more about a good show, and even manners. ABC doesn’t want to show a gloomy LeBron glumly hoisting the MVP trophy and shaking Bill Russell’s hand like a job applicant with a potential employer, knowing he won’t make it to the second round. That’s depressing. Why even put him through that? He clearly doesn’t even want the award if it doesn’t follow a win. The postgame is supposed to be a celebration. Give it to the guy who started three games all year. Why the hell not?

People I’m Insanely Happy For

Stephen Curry

He could have won MVP, he looked like it the last 3.25 games. He didn’t, but whatever. Dude beat the most 3s made in a playoffs record by 40. He’s incredible and magical and an American hero. I doubt his stroke will leave him anytime soon. I can’t believe we get so much more of him.

Klay Thompson

Wherever Steph goes, Klay will follow. We are truly #blessed to watch these two. I’ll let Kirk Goldsberry explain in detail:

Shaun Livingston

His leg nearly had to be amputated, and now he’s an NBA champion. HIS LEG WAS NEARLY AMPUTATED. He played on seven teams in seven years. This was the seventh. You think he’ll stick around?

Draymond Green

A trash-talking, physical brute of an asshole. I consider this a good thing. He plays defense like every shot made on him takes a year off his life. Never change.

Andre Iguodala

MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP!

Steve Kerr

A rookie coach took a good-to-great team and made them legendary. We should be thanking him every day for giving us this team to watch.

People I Feel So So So Bad For

LeBron James

No man is an island. If they were, LeBron would be Australia and every other Cavalier would be one of those tiny ones in Indonesia that’s home to 25 natives and not much else. Is that ALL you have to contribute, guys? He’s the best player in the world; it sucked to see him do everything and have it mean nothing in the end.

Timofey Mozgov

Goofy name, goofy face, goofy game. He’s the most competent doofus in the game. And hey, he tried hard. It’s just tough when you’re 7’1” and everyone else is below 6’8” and faster than you.

Iman Shumpert

Flat top.

Shumpert-from-NBA.com_

LeBron James

He’s getting too old for this shit.

JR Smith

Watching him nail three late threes from practically back in New York was peak JR. Hot at all the wrong times – still shooting in the interim. Can he play forever? Lord knows he’ll shoot till he can’t.

Kyrie Irving

You probably would have made the series more fun.

Kevin Love

You might have made the series more fun.

LeBron James

He left Miami for this?

David Blatt

Caught too much crap from media and fans. His eyes are too close together. He seems like a good dude.

David Lee

Highest paid Golden State player. Can’t crack the rotation. Not a knock on Lee, just a credit to GSW. He’ll get traded and be a borderline all-star elsewhere. Never complained, he’s truly the best.

LeBron James

I’m so sorry.

I WOULD TAKE A BULLET FOR LEBRON JAMES

Speaking of LeBron, I’m already tired of Twitter LeBron defenders screaming at no one, standing up for their man when no one is stepping to him. Sure there a few dummies out there whose best arguments are “he sucks” and “2-4 in Finals.” There are a few out there, and they don’t know anything. He’s the best player in the world, and none of you need to prove that to anyone. This isn’t 2011, there aren’t legitimate criticisms about his game. You’re safe. He’s the best. Appreciate what he did here, and please don’t let internet dum dums distract you from it.

What Now?

I always start tearing up knowing that I can’t watch the NBA for four months, but then I remember that the offseason is always at least 70% as fun as the regular season in this league. LaMarcus Aldridge, Marc Gasol, Luol Deng, Manu Ginobli, Goran Dragic, Jeff Green, Roy Hibbert, DeAndre Jordan, Kevin Love, JR Smith, LeBron James, Rajon Rondo, and Dwyane Wade are all either unrestricted free agents or can opt out of their contracts in the coming months. Many more are restricted free agents that could cause a bidding war, namely Jimmy Butler.

No one has any idea what will happen with the first five picks in the draft, much less the top ten, or any of the damn thing, really. It takes place next Thursday already, hopefully involving a bunch of crazy trades. After that, the free agent floodgates open. It’s a three-month game of high stakes Monopoly, basically.

The NBA never ends, and I love every second of it.

Game 6 Preview

THIS COULD BE THE LAST NBA GAME FOR FOUR MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

APPRECIATE THIS MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

APPRECIATE LEBRON DOING THIS ALL BY HIMSELF AND POSSIBLY SUCCEEDING

APPRECIATE STEPH FINALLY PLAYING LIKE THE MVP HE IS

APPRECIATE HOW GORGEOUS THE WARRIORS LOOK

APPRECIATE HOW CHARMINGLY UGLY THE CAVS LOOK

APPRECIATE MIKE BREEN AND JEFF VAN GUNDY AND MARKY JACKSON

APPRECIATE HOW DRAYMOND GREEN’S JAW CANNOT BE CLOSED

APPRECIATE MATTY DELLAVEDOVA’S RISE AND FALL AND PERHAPS… SECOND RISE?????

APPRECIATE DELICIOUSLY CONFUSING NBA OFFICIATING

APPRECIATE THAT BOGUT AND MOZGOV DON’T EVEN PLAY ANYMORE

APPRECIATE MY IDEA THAT GAME 6 SHOULD JUST BE THOSE TWO IN A CAGE MATCH

APPRECIATE THAT NO ONE OVER 6’8″ PLAYS ANYMORE

APPRECIATE THAT THIS IS THE FUTURE OF BASKETBALL

APPRECIATE THAT THE GAME CONSTANTLY CHANGES AND WE GET TO WATCH IT HAPPEN LIVE

APPRECIATE IT NOW BECAUSE IT WILL BE GONE SOON

APPRECIATE IT WHILE IT’S GONE BECAUSE IT WILL COME BACK

IT WILL ALWAYS COME BACK

AND IT WILL BE BETTER THAN EVER

THE OFFSEASON WILL BE LONGER AND WILDER THAN A STEPH CURRY THREE BALL

BUT WE STILL HAVE TODAY

AND WE’LL APPRECIATE IT TOGETHER

AM I RIGHT STEPH?

currryyyyy

Steph Curry’s Next Step

After Game 1 of the Finals, I shamefully used the term “not possible” while describing Cleveland’s title chances. I felt it at the time, but I thought we had seen the best LeBron and his team had to offer, and it wasn’t enough. I was wrong. I apologize, LeBron and LeBron fanatics.

Now we all know LeBron is the only person on the planet who could do what he’s doing right now, which isn’t all that surprising. Incredible and insane, yes, but not altogether surprising. What’s more interesting to me is what’s happening with Steph Curry.

The MVP looked shaky and hesitant for most of Game 1, then downright awful in Game 2. It’s unlikely he and the Warriors will lose this series, but now it’s not out of the question. What happens then? How will he be viewed? How will he and the organization bounce back from what was almost assured success?

Steph is 27; he made his first finals six years into his NBA career. For comparison, LeBron was 23 and in his fourth season for his 2007 Finals run. He got swept, but his team was the overachieving underdogs, much like this season, rather than the dominant, juggernaut Warriors. Curry is still young, he has a rookie head coach, and this is his first taste of the Finals. But is that enough for people to forgive him for a loss?

He’s the reigning MVP, beloved by nearly everyone not in Cleveland, Houston or Los Angeles. He’s a delight to watch, and his majestic offensive abilities have finally led to success. But what if it runs out? He’s not a physical powerhouse like LeBron. His game relies on craftiness and consistency, which is harder to sustain in the long run than brute force. His window is very likely smaller than LeBron’s, and Curry has the unfortunate task of playing in the Western Conference. This could be his – and the Warrior’s – best shot.

Or they could close this out, very likely if Steph gets back anywhere near his regular season production. His team is built for long-term success and retention of their core; this could very well be a dynasty. And it doesn’t, and can’t, happen without Curry. But the problem with that is the failures would rest on his shoulders.

LeBron needed four more years and a move to Miami to get his second trip to the Finals. But he also maintained MVP production the whole time. Win or lose this series, Curry needs to do the same. No one can count out his accomplishments so far, but a series loss to this overmatched Cavalier squad and the doubters will come.

What would Steph do next season if he’s no longer universally supported and counted on as the wizard of the three-point line, as the murderer of nets? Even if he wins, a shaky appearance against a one-man team may not have everyone convinced. Either way these next 3-5 games will go a long way in forming the epic of Steph Curry. It’s up to him to write how this chapter ends, and how he’ll have to follow it up.

NBA Finals: Game 1

The Cavs had done what they needed to do; they were who they needed to be. For 48 minutes it was enough.

LeBron did exactly what we figured he would: isolate against whatever smaller defender the Warriors felt most comfortable throwing at him, post him up and beat him down physically, then take a decent shot. Like a PT Cruiser, it’s ugly but it works. Kyrie Irving played the game of his life, working as a weapon from the pick and roll and even shutting down Steph Curry on offense for a half. Mozgov and Tristan Thompson worked the paint, cutting off LeBron double teams and hoarding rebounds. Cleveland played to its strengths and looked good doing it, even going up by double digits early.

I’m telling you this, of course, because they lost the game.

The Warriors didn’t look like the Warriors for at least the first half. They seemed hesitant and scared; not warriors but teenage recruits who still had to be trained to fight. Apparently one half of basketball was all the Finals training they needed.

Golden State is dominant because they can be off their game for so long, even enough to get down by double digits, and still never be out of it. A sequence like a corner 3-steal-corner 3, that Golden State is so easily capable of getting, can come at any time. It’s crazy that we can expect this team with no Finals experience and a rookie head coach to turn things around at any given point. And that’s what they did last night.

Slowly and methodically, the Dubs figured the Cavs out while figuring themselves out. They took their lumps from LeBron, withstood Kyrie overachieving and eventually managed to corral Cleveland’s bigs on the boards. Adjustments came to get Steph and Klay Thompson more looks off of screens, and counted on random bench guys to come through, a luxury Cleveland is sorely missing.

So when Kyrie got hurt and left the game, that was that. Cleveland has its six guys it needed, and could potentially run them into the ground to get a series win. That’s not possible with five, especially when one isn’t Irving. Even with him at his best, it probably wouldn’t have been enough, which isn’t a discredit to the Cavaliers at all.

The Warriors are just so unique, so skilled, so smart and so deep, other teams often can’t help but look overmatched against them. And if you can do that to a team that LeBron plays for, I can’t help but like your title chances.

Reasons The Hawks Looked Like Middle Schoolers Against the Cavs

The NYPD: Thanks to these guys, Thabo Sefolosha is sitting courtside with a cast on his ankle and Pero Antic has been playing like he’s too embarrassed by the incident outside the club to put his heart in the game. We still have no idea what happened in NYC that night or why force was needed with Sefolosha, either. Was he getting too friendly with strippers? Did some hoodrats take offense to this friendliness? Was one of those officers just a die-hard Nets fan, trying to take out an opponent’s rotation player? We sadly may never know.

Atlanta’s Front Office: What we do know is that Thabo Sefolosha was an integral part of this Hawks team. He was willingly cast off by the Thunder in the offseason, a team that really really really needed backup guards. He’s a decent player, but when his absence completely throws off the rhythm of your team, it’s a sign the squad isn’t constructed properly. Especially when Shelvin Mack is next in line. That’s on the Hawks.

Matthew Dellavedova: Now known as That Dude Who Injured Korver and Drew a Punch From Horford. If he stepped foot on 80% of the streets on Atlanta, his interactions would range from a not-subtle-at-all shoulder into the chest to a full-on stabbing. Luckily, he can easily pose as an unassuming high school assistant basketball coach, which lets him past by most potential confrontations without incident.

Nick Gilbert: Cleveland’s owner’s good luck charm in each of the draft lotteries since LeBron bounced to South Beach was Nick, his son with neurofibromatosis. He’s put tons of money into research and put Nick on stage for the lottery presentation. That good karma brought three number one picks in four years, which finally accumulated enough talent to draw the King back to Ohio. I need this kid with me when I’m playing 2K, betting on sports or talking to girls: any situation where I need bucketfuls of luck to accomplish anything.

LeBron James: He’s good at basketball. Like, better than any of the Hawks. Way better. That makes it hard for Atlanta to win.

Big Boi and Andre 3000: Ever since Outkast stopped making music, the Hawks have been mediocre. Granted, they were mediocre long before that too, but for the last ten years they’ve underachieved their way to mediocrity. It’s the worst form of mediocrity, and the only cause I can think of is the lack of new Outkast music. It might have something to do with Josh Smith, too, but he never put out an album titled “Southernplayalisticadillacmusik.”

Tristan Thompson: His official nickname is “Double T,” but I prefer one of my own creation: “T2.” It makes me think of Terminator 2, which is fitting because Thompson is a straight-up robot programmed to grab offensive boards. There’s a glitch in his free throw shooting design, but he’s still built pretty well. Horford and Paul Millsap are good ballplayers, but you just can’t match up against a cyborg.

Not Kevin Love or Kyrie Irving: Love has been injured and Irving has been either playing hurt or injured. That didn’t matter to the Hawks, who had a hard time stopping their backups anyway. If you’re swept by a team who’s missing two of their top three guys, it’s pretty clear you just don’t have It. And by “It” I mean “LeBron James.” Have I mentioned he’s good at basketball?

Reality: The Hawks have made the best of what they had and played beautiful basketball on the way to 60 wins and the conference finals. That’s impressive; they should be happy. Four All-Stars was good for the regular season; no superstars is a nightmare for the playoffs. They were never built to withstand seven games in a row against the best teams in the league. Very few are, there’s no shame in that. Keep your head up, ATL. Your hip hop scene blows Cleveland’s out of the water.

(Apologies to Kid Cudi.)

The Beauty of a Competitive Sweep

Damnatio ad bestias is the official term used to describe the practice I had only known before today as “that crazy thing where you throw an unarmed dude into a pit with a lion.” It’s what the Romans did to early Christians, and also a ton of other people, because the Romans were all insane, sadistic weirdos.

The reason I mention this is because it’s the closest thing I can think of to describe the Cavaliers/Celtics and Warriors/Pelicans playoff series. The Cavs and Dubs are clearly the lions of the NBA; the top of the food chain, the ones the rest of the animals/league never wants to face.

Boston and New Orleans didn’t deserve to get stuck with a bloodthirsty beast. Like early Christians, they’re just living their lives as best they can, working hard to either get to heaven or win basketball games. (“Would you rather go to heaven or win an NBA championship?” is a game I’m sure most players play with themselves constantly.) And what do they get for all their hard work and dedication? The opportunity to fearfully throw your fists in the direction of a charging, hungry lion.

When you enter that pit or a series against Steph Curry or LeBron James, you already know your fate. You’re not making it out alive, and there’s a good chance it’ll be ugly and/or humiliating. You just have to try your best to go down with some dignity. We figured these series would be sweeps, and while that’s correct, those four games added up to so much more than a simple sweep.

We got the debut of Playoff Anthony Davis, which is probably the closest thing to a gladiator that exists in the NBA. The other Pelicans didn’t even look too bad, but only AD performed at Russell Crowe-esque levels. If you make the Warriors fight that hard in the first round, you’ll still be respected as you’re ripped into shreds by a starving panthera leo.

The Celtics don’t have anything near an Anthony Davis, which makes the fight they put up that much more impressive. Luckily, 5-star general Brad Stevens can bring any group of people together into a competitive basketball team. If they get an honest-to-god superstar, everybody else watch your back, lions included.

It’s just sad we only got these things for four games. While you think a sweep would be boring, these two series gave the world eight close, exciting NBA playoff games. If you care about basketball at all, this was a gracious gift from the basketball gods. (And we won’t even be thrown in a pit for believing in those gods!)

Luckily, these two teams haven’t actually died in first-century Rome. They’re coming back next year and they’re going to be better. There’s no better way to prepare yourself for the upcoming season than a vicious fight for your life, especially when you come out retaining your dignity (ignoring Kelly Olynyk for a moment).

The NBA playoffs are a lot more fun and rewarding than the ancient Romans ever were.